Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Who does Amazon think I am?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make