I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
B
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Bros before Ohioes
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.