eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.