We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Wait a second…
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*