Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.