11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Breaking news:
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.