I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
The USS B port
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*