Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
that lip filler tho
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.