Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Hello Twits.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry