[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
You Might Also Like
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.