“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…