You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.