I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Planet of the Apps.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
get you a girl who
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.