Don’t talk down to me
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I didn’t come here to be called names
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
A small tragedy.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My dog learned how to text
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Traveler’s camo
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.