People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
that’s really how it is
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag