hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.