Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own