Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso