A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
just make the entire table out of coaster