Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*