Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
🍛
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…