*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.