Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.