Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.