Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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happy valentine’s day to me
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.