if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Facebook marketplace is a different world
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.