“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
So creative 😂
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!