I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?