Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
You Might Also Like
Am I having a stroke?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Going into Monday like
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose