I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
You Might Also Like
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.