Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.