My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter