Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
the #horror is real!
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
January has been Januweary
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.