Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
You Might Also Like
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses