the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
do u think theres a butter planet?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween