Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*