I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Siri, fight Alexa.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet