I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!