Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
You Might Also Like
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute