“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.