That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Friday night party time 🥳
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?