INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.