Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
#math
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy