[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.