When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Finished stitching this today 😇
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
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