Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You Might Also Like
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Squirrels before girls.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
😂🤣😂🤣
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Van Gone
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket