When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨