My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?