Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.