Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
You Might Also Like
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible